Tag: satire

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Apple haters already hate the soon to be introduced new iPad.

Our resident psychic sent us a few thoughts telepathically stolen from well known Apple haters. Did I say stolen? NO! I said “telepathically stolen”!

Apple hater extra-ordinaire and Microsoft cheerleader/secret employee Paul Thurrott has finished bashing the next iPad. Comparing it to the “so mind-blowingly awesome” Windows 8 tablets. Thurrott insists that the new iPad does not have Metro interface, therefore it is so boring, stale and outdated. In addition to that Thurrott chides Apple for doing a miniscule update to the iPad. “Nothing revolutionary” says Thurrot, but then he added “I’m going to get one so people see that I do not hate Apple.”

Secret Apple hater and Chief TWiT Leo Laporte is still bitter over being Gizmodo-ed by Apple. “I have undisputedly the most popular Apple-news podc….. netcast out there. I also have millions of listeners on my AM Radio show.” Laporte also insists that Apple’s closed-ecosystem of iOS devices is bad; as he waves the flag of Open Source Software. “Android is an Open Source Project. I support Open Source! Open Source is the way to go.” Speaking of supporting Open Source Software, Laporte proceeds to bash WordPress and promotes the not-Open-Sourced SquareSpace.

Rob Enderle is currently having mini strokes while calling the next iPad that he has not even seen an overpriced hipster status symbol.

Microsoft CEO Steve Balmer proclaims that Windows 8 Tablet is already years ahead of any iPads. Balmer then says: “The iPad does not run Windows 8; not the current ones, not the next one. Everybody will flock to Microsoft Store and buy Windows 8 tablet instead of iPad!” Balmer then throws a few chairs at random directions.

Gizmodo is calling the next iPad a huge fail of a gadget. Gizmodo says that they don’t need to be invited to any Apple events. They don’t care about Apple products. They only cover it because their readers want to know about Apple products. Gizmodo prepares to scour live reports from other sites and have a pretend live coverage.

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endofsarcasm

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Hundreds of Apple Developers are eager to break iOS 5 NDA.

Following the introductions of iOS 5, hundreds of registered Apple Developers are busy refreshing Apple Developer site only to see the familiar “We’ll be back soon.” yellow sticky note.

A registered Apple Developer who goes by the nickname PrettyAwesomeTechBlogger told us that he/she (let’s face it, most likely it’s a he) couldn’t wait to post screenshots of iOS 5 on the blog and Facebook profile in addition to Twitter.

Another Apple Developer who spoke to us under the condition of anonimity also emphasized that he/she (once again, it’s a he; no girl developers are seen in 13 mile radius from Moscone West) would immediate post all the details of iOS 5 ahead of Apple-centric sites like AppleInsider, MacNN, TUAW and 9 to 5 Mac. “I will be the one who break the NDA first, not those sites!” he/she added.

What is NDA?

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Apple Haters already called WWDC 2010 Keynote “a boring non-event” an hour before it even started.

Surprise, surprise!

Apple Haters Worldwide have already called the WWDC 2010 Keynote as “a boring non-event” an hour before it even started. Based on a telepathically stollen notes from Paul “Microsoft Defender” Thurrott, the only good thing about the Keynote was the announcement of inclusion of Bing into Apple’s closed ecosystem. Thurrott still insists that Microsoft Windows 7 Mobile Phone 7 number Seven already crushed the iPhone. “You still can’t get Microsoft Office and Silverlight and Zune and Steve Ballmer’s hair on the iPhone” says Thurrott. He even added that iPhone OS 4 is an evolutionary upgrade from iPhone OS 3; unlike Microsoft’s Seven Windows 7 Phone Seven Series Seven Ultra The Seventh.

Rob Enderle of The Enderle Me-Myself-and-I group is busy writing his fifth column of the day berating the upcoming WWDC 2010 Keynote. Enderle compares Apple with The Legionaire of Doomsday; similar to Legion of Doom™ but not as trademarked. Enderle believes that WWDC 2010 Keynote is a front for Apple to open a portal to free Ktulu.

Some Android hardcore fan proclaimed that the watever next iPhone be called is lame. That’s because the iPhone 4gettable doesn’t have 10-inch touchscreen and access to free market. The Android hardcore fan points out that no one can get a dedicated porn apps on the iPhone. “What’s the point having something you can touch with porn in it?”

Meanwhile, Jason Chen is sitting at home reading WWDC 2010 Keynote live coverage on other sites. Jason said: “I disassembled the next iPhone prototype, who wants to touch me?”
Eric Cartman calls Jason Chen “lame.”

There a re a lot more rants against Apple and WWDC 2010, unfortunately our telepath is taking a mandatory union break.

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Ford recalls Mustang just to mess with Leo Laporte.

Ripped from the “headline:”

Ford Recalls 2010 Mustang For Being Too Cool

FEBRUARY 16, 2010 | ISSUE 46•07

DETROIT—-Ford officials issued a massive recall of the entire 2010 Mustang line Tuesday, apologizing for a quality-control oversight that led to the company manufacturing a badass muscle car that was way too awesome for the American public.

…….

According to Mulally, Ford has canceled production on the 2011 Mustang, and will instead release a line of fuel-efficient vehicles in an effort to appeal to boring old Americans.

I bet Ford found out that the Mustang is way too cool for Leo Laporte. Sorry Leo, the Mustang is way out of your league.

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/sarc

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FSF: Microsoft’s Windows 7 Deadly Sins

No! It is not FFS. It’s FSF. It stands for Free Software Foundation.

It’s “Free” as in Liberty, noat as in free beer.

As much as I believe that there are a lot of Hippies out there involved in the Free Software Foundation, I still wonder why I’m making this very statement.

Let’s get to the main story. As I read an RSS item from Slashdot (lots of Hippies are frequenting this site), one really caught my short attention span. Well because it is on the top of the RSS feed and the only unread items at that moment. I was previously offended by the troll-behavior of Microsoft P.R. team (Paul Thurrott, Ed Bott and  Mary Jo Foley with the addition of Randall C. Kennedy) as described by Tom Reetsman. By the way, Reetsman (via The Small Wave) just posted his take on Thurrott’s rants against anything that is not Microsoft; specifically Apple. Well, at least Thurrott has one loyal supporter (an accomplice *cough*) defending everything Thurrot said and attacking the non-Microsoft company (namely Apple in this article).

Oh where was I? I told you my attention span was short.

Free Software Foundation, Inc. has created a site titled “Windows 7 Sins – The case against Microsoft and proprietary software.”
http://windows7sins.org/

Don’t worry Apple haters, they mentioned “proprietary software.” Apple does make proprietary software, therefore guilty by association. I bet that Thurrott is trying hard to make himself look neutral by attacking other companies that make “proprietary softwares.” We all know that Thurrott lives off Microsoft’s business model.

I prefer to slack than copying and pasting the arguments brought up by FSF. I get the message, but I do not blindly agree to every single point they make. I do take advantage of many things the Open Source Community have to offer in the past and present. I am pretty sure that it will be a similar situation in the future. I do also believe that propriety was born out of necessity. I don’t mind proprietary software as long as we have other alternatives. I’m pretty sure that  Google has some kind of proprietary software. I still use Google as my main search engine; Microsoft can Bing themselves.

OK, I opted not to slack as much by echoing FSF’s argument points:

  1. Poisoning education
  2. Invading privacy
  3. Monopoly behavior
  4. Lock-in
  5. Abusing standards
  6. Enforcing Digital Restrictions Management (DRM)
  7. Threatening user security

If you feel compelled to say that there are other companies also guilty of the sins, then feel free to tell FSF about it.

To loosely quote MacBreak Weekly panel, Apple and Steve Jobs would be worse than Microsoft if they had the monopoly.

Well, I definitely need to get some sleep, no wonder this turns into a rant.

P.S. EFF – I just feel like saying it at this moment.

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Rush Limbaugh of Technology Award Goes To: Ed Bott, Paul Thurrott and Mary Jo Foley.

Congratulations to Ed Bott, Paul Thurrott and Mary Jo Foley. Well, Randall C. Kennedy you got one too. Too bad you are a disgrace to everyone with name Kennedy. As a matter of fact I believe that Jamie Kennedy is a smarter Tech Journalist than you, Randall. Wait a minute, Jamie Kennedy is not even a Tech Journalist, yet he’s still smarter than you. Not that funny but definitely smarter than you.

Anyway, once again congratulations to Ed Bott, Paul Thurrott, Mary Jo Foley and Randall C. Kennedy to win “Rush Limbaugh of Technology” Award. Calling you guys Tech Journalists are a stretch.

Note to Leo Laporte. We know that you’ve realized that you’ve made a huge mistake asking Paul Thurrott to be a part in your precious TWiT Network. Thurrott is like the curse, just like the stray. You feed him once and now he stays. (Yeah, there’s a Metallica reference)

Dump that Microsoft P.R. Weekly (disguised as Windows Weekly) podcast of yours Mr. Laporte. Get real Tech Journalists to host the show instead of the shameless hack that Thurrott is.

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This angry rant is brought to you commercial and hyperlink free by common sense.